| In learning to live with the disease, the person with psoriasis goes through a variety of emotional stages. Understanding these feelings is crucial to working toward effective coping. Here are some typical responses people with psoriasis may have at different times when dealing with their psoriasis:
Denial – "I don't want to talk about it because it's no big deal. Leave me alone!"
Anger – "I hate summer because of my psoriasis. I hate anyone who can wear a bathing suit."
Bargaining – "I'd try anything, go anywhere, do anything just to get rid of this."
Depression – "I know psoriasis is forever, and there is nothing I can do about it. I'm not going out in public if I can help it."
Acceptance – "I've been through everything. I may not be perfect, but I get along pretty well. Psoriasis is a part of me but certainly not the whole of my being."
Three roles
The person who wants to help someone with psoriasis may take on one of three roles: the rescuer, the persecutor or the helper. Ideally, you want to work toward being a helper.
Rescuer
The rescuer is someone who perceives the person with psoriasis as a victim. The person with psoriasis may perpetuate this by acting as though he or she has no control over the situation. The rescuer "saves" the victim. A rescuer makes all the doctor appointments and gets the patient to them, applies the medications or constantly reminds that it is time to medicate. If you find that you are doing over half of what it takes to live with psoriasis, you are a rescuer. And, more than likely, you are not providing an atmosphere in which the person with psoriasis can work through problems and take responsibility. Don't try to save, strive to understand.
Persecutor
The persecutor commonly begins as a rescuer, but by overdoing it, ultimately antagonizes the person with psoriasis. Resentments grow and a defeating cycle of nonproductive communication is created. A scenario such as this may emerge: The person with psoriasis wants to stop applying medications every night. He or she is tired of the routine and the discomfort. The rescuer argues that the routine must continue to achieve relief. A fight ensues and the person with psoriasis accuses the rescuer of constant nagging. The rescuer feels needlessly attacked. "I was only trying to help!" A persecutor is born.
Helper
The helper is someone who allows the person with psoriasis to work through his or her feelings. A helper listens when needed and provides unconditional support.
The greatest help you can give to the person with psoriasis is an informed perspective on the disease. Learn as much as possible and avoid speculation. Also, do not pass judgment about what is best.
Acknowledge psoriasis is a difficult health problem but one that can be treated. Recognize that people with psoriasis often are harder on themselves than the public. Let the person with psoriasis take the responsibility of deciding how to live with it. Respect that decision.
If difficulty arises, seek help in developing effective communication skills. Individual or couples counseling may be appropriate. Talking with an impartial party can make communication less emotionally charged.
Tips for support people
A few tips for people who do not have psoriasis but want to help someone who does:
- Learn as much as you can about psoriasis. It will be easier for you to be supportive.
- Stay active. Don't stay home all the time, even if your partner doesn't want to go out.
- Find a buddy. You need one, too.
- Don't assume you know what the other person wants or thinks. Ask!
- Get help. Develop a strong support system. While you're the support person for someone with psoriasis, you need others to support you.
A few tips for the person with psoriasis:
- Don't assume you know what the other person wants or thinks. Ask!
- Get help. Develop a strong support system of family and friends.
- Say thank you. Recognize that others are trying to help, and let them know you are grateful.
- Use the National Psoriasis Foundation to connect with others. Visit the message board and member chat room to find information and understanding.
- Attend the Psoriasis Foundation's national conference to meet face-to-face with others who know what you have gone through.
- Join an affiliated support group in your area. There, you will meet others who understand what you're going through.
Updated July 2007
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